


C'est La Vie

by waterlit



Category: D.Gray-man
Genre: Changing Tenses, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hopeful Ending, Moving On, Romance, Unrequited Love, old fic, one-sided Allen/Lenalee
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-29
Updated: 2018-09-29
Packaged: 2019-07-20 06:07:13
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16131227
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/waterlit/pseuds/waterlit
Summary: Lenalee finds it's possible to move on.





	C'est La Vie

_I break my own heart_ , the girl thinks, a _ll the time_.

* * *

 

The girl walks down the street, heeled boots making soft clicking sounds on the pavement. She turns around now and again, imagining that a nameless, silent thing follows her, though nothing comes to sight but a wisp of fog and sometimes, the tail of a lonely dog.

It's on days like that she can't forget about Allen.

He's all she's ever wanted, all she's ever hoped for. But she'll never have him, never, not in this lifetime.

* * *

 

"Do you know," Allen said one day, "that you have a lovely voice?"

"Do I?" Lenalee asked.

"I see you don't know. Haven't you ever heard yourself singing?" Allen laughed. "Come on, let's not stand in the cold. I'm rather hungry, so shall we head to our café?"

"Our café", so affectionately named, was a little bistro a few streets away from their neighbourhood. It was warm and cosy, with wooden tables, checked tablecloths, and an assortment of old musical instruments placed near the small fireplace. Noise Marie, the owner, delighted in making delicious pastries and delectable coffee; Miranda, his wife, was a sweet woman rather prone to clumsiness who occasionally spilled coffee over the table. As it was, Allen and Lenalee had made it a habit to visit the bistro every few days or so.

When they got there, they were greeted by Miranda. She nodded at them over the counter, and followed them with a notebook and pencil.

"The usual, please," Allen said.

"Me too," Lenalee said.

"You're so cute together," Miranda said, as she always did.

Lenalee blushed, as usual, and Allen just smiled as he fiddled with the sugar sticks and stared out the window.

* * *

 

It's a cold winter day, and Lenalee walks arm-in-arm with Allen down a snow-caked street.

"Allen," Lenalee says, trying to sound spontaneous and failing quite miserably, "I've got something to tell you."

"Yes, go on," Allen says, megawatt smile flashing.

"I—" Lenalee says, voice faltering, "Allen, I think I'm in love with you. "

Allen doesn't reply.

"I—" Lenalee continues, "I just want to know if maybe, if maybe you might feel the same way?"

Allen still doesn't reply; his grey eyes are empty as the morning fog. His expression is even, and Lenalee can't tell what her words mean to him.

Lenalee's heartbeat quickens, and all the sorrows of the world since its inception seem to weigh heavily on her. She struggles to finish speaking. "If—if you don't feel the same way... if you don't, then—then, I hope we can still at least be friends."

Allen nods, seemingly numb and dumb. After a full minute of silence, he moves away from Lenalee, stuffs his gloved hands into the pockets of his coat, and looks up at the grey, drab sky. "I don't know how to phrase this," Allen says. "I love you, Lena, but not in the way you want me to."

Lenalee tries to stifles a gasp—and succeeds, almost. Allen looks tortured by the plaintive squeak of pain.

"I—Kanda—we..." Allen trails off, unable to meet Lenalee's eyes. "I thought you knew."

There's a strange wet sensation in Lenalee's eyes, and her throat constricts into a tight knot. "I didn't know," she says, voice soft and forlorn like that of a little girl who has lost her favourite doll.

"I'm sorry," Allen says, taking Lenalee's hands into his. Her hands are bitterly cold, and shivering. "I'm sorry, Lena, I never meant to hurt you."

"I know," she says, but wrenches her hands away all the same.

"We're still friends, right?"

"Yeah, of course," Lenalee says. She looks down at the ground and shuffles her feet. "It's getting late. I think I'd better go."

It's anything but late, but Allen nods and waves goodbye.

* * *

 

Lenalee spent the next few months trying to find her way in a place without light. It was a painful place to be, but thankfully it coincided with the vacation period, so she didn't have to see Allen around too much. She found herself steering clear of Kanda too.

Komui asked why Allen hadn't once called her or turned up unannounced for dinner the way he used to do in the past. Lenalee shrugged her slim shoulders and said she didn't really know why either. Komui, possibly having sensed something amiss, stopped making such enquiries after a while.

Lenalee often lay in bed, listening to sappy breakup songs and songs which seemed to celebrate the tragedy of unrequited love. They didn't help her any, but she loved the way the singers seemed to understand every emotion wrenching her heart apart.

But she pulled through, in the end.

* * *

 

Lavi soon comes back into her life. He's tanned, taller than before, and he hugs her when he steps out the car.

"Lavi!" Lenalee cries. "I've missed you!"

"Me too," Lavi says. "I'm here for the holidays!"

Lavi lives in another district altogether, but returns every summer to their town. He boards with his grandfather just down the street. He's one of Lenalee's best friends, and she's glad to see him after the dark days she's been through.

* * *

 

At that point, she wasn't over Allen yet. Allen was all she had ever wanted, the epitome of her ideal partner.

Now that flimsy dream had been torn apart, and she still hadn't recovered from the pain of it all.

* * *

 

"Do you want to go for a walk?" Lavi asks.

"Now?" Lenalee says, looking at him over the top of her book.

"When else are you free?" Lavi asks, an impish smile spreading over his face. "Do I need to book an appointment?"

"No," Lenalee says. But she glances at her watch. Five o'clock. "Komui will be home soon though."

"Come on," Lavi pleads,"we'll be back before we know it."

So Lenalee goes.

* * *

 

She used to think of Allen every night before she dropped off to sleep. His silver-grey eyes, bright like the moon shining through mist; the gentle tenor of his voice; the softness of his hair. These were the stuff of her waking dreams.

Then it stopped, so, so suddenly.

* * *

 

It begins with the small things—just a brush of her hair, a bright smile, a touch of their hands.

Then it becomes something more, something beyond the realm of ordinary friendship. Lavi runs errands for her; he brings her to movies and buys her dinner. He calls her more frequently at night just to chat, and drapes his jacket over her shivering arms to ward off the night chill.

"Is there something going on between you and Lavi?" Komui asks accusingly, and is gratified to hear a soft "no".

But Lenalee feels something like guilt crawling under her skin, because her answer is not quite true, because now Lavi's in her mind almost all the time.

Before she closes her eyes at night she thinks of Lavi's red hair and his bright green eye and the curve of his embrace.

She thinks, maybe, just maybe, Lavi could be the one to bring her back to life.

**Author's Note:**

> First posted on FFN in June 2012.


End file.
